Mock Me
by Soozie Quixotic
Summary: The mages and their narrator use snark and rational thinking to save themselves from horrible fanfiction. My old badfics from "Magic Secrets and Other Tales of Fail" make fun of themselves.
1. Magic Secrets I

This story is entirely silly and any humor value is totally subjective. The title literally means "to mock" in French.

These are the revised versions of the unintentionally funny stories from "Magic Secrets and Other Tales of Fail," which I wrote at age ten and just recently re-posted. By "revised," I mean that I made the narrator and dialogue snarky, self-referential, and self-depreciating. Basically, it makes fun of itself on purpose and still sucks. All of the spelling, punctuation, grammar, etc. mistakes in the originals are still here.

Our first fanfic is _Magic Secrets_, begun on December 8, 2003 and last revised February 22, 2004. Hoooooo boy, this one. It was probably the second fanfic I ever wrote, the first being _Egypt Avalon_ (please, please, please don't ask…), which I can't find. I wrote this either right before or right after the first edition of _All's Fairy in Love and War_ came out.

One-sentence summary: I threw out the entire Avalon canon, made up my own, transformed Adriane into an exposition-spouting Canon-Sue, and forced the other mages to be her sounding boards and cheerleaders. Oh, be afraid.

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Disclaim: I do not own any of the Avaon: Web of Magic characters. I only own the ones I've created! By the end of this, you will deeply appreciate those facts.

The three mages sat in the magic glade on a cold winter morning, for no apparent reason. They were talking about the dark sorceress and remarkably not freezing to death.

"I hope she's dead!" Kara exclaimed. "She deserves it for what she did to Lyra!"

Lyra shuddered. She had loathed the cold dungeons and endless catacombs that she had been trapped in. She also loathed ending sentences with prepositions, but that was just as inescapable as those terrible memories.

All of the sudden, a porthole opened! But there wasn't a ship in sight! Out of it stepped a transparent figure, it looked like a women, but for some reason no one was quite sure. She looked about fifty and wore long flowing robe, covered in jewels that somehow did not weight down said flowing robe.

"YOU" she yelled, pointing at Kara. "You were the cause of my downfall, and now you must pay! Fear my vague clichés of evilness!"

With that, a glowing fireball appeared in her hand. She thrust it at Kara, but Adriane deflected it with a powerful blast from her jewel.

"RUN!" shouted Emily, and she, Kara, Adriane, Lyra, Ozzie, and Dreamer ran across the glade, towards the water, the ghost close behind them. Adriane threw some sort of dust in the water, as it fell, a circle, about three feet by three feet opened in the water, magically announcing its exact dimensions to the world.

"Jump" yelled Adriane, and they all leapt into the porthole, closing it just before the ghost was able to go through. The ghost banged on the side of the ocean liner and demanded that the crew open the porthole.

And they fell, deeper into the porthole. The bilge water reeked.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Did that make any NFBSKing sense whatsoever? No? Good.

Don't worry, it's all explained later. In huge, ugly chunks of expository dialogue.


	2. Magic Secrets II

The mages landed in a wide field that was bordered with forestland. Then, they noticed someone next to them a tall boy with sandy blonde hair, Zach.

"Well it's about time somebody showed up, I'm just surprised it's you! I've just been uselessly sitting here for hours!" he said. "Let me guess, your jewels dragged you through the water, too?"

"No," Kara said "Adriane did, and I wish I knew how!"

"I did it with my jewel" she replied. "Not the wolf stone." and in a puff of smoke, a new jewel appeared, connected to the wolf stone. This jewel had a spiral of the colors red, blackish purple, ice blue, and white with the symbols for fire, darkness, ice, and air on the outside. Said symbols will remain mercifully undescribed.

"It's called the warrior's gem, it uses the warrior elements fire, darkness, ice, and air. I've had it since I was six. Don't ask me how a six-year-old got ahold of a powerful, ridiculous, out-of-nowhere plot device."

"Why didn't you use it to fight the dark sorceress!" Kara exclaimed. "You seriously let your bonded animal _die_ rather than use that thing?"

"I was told only to use it when the sorceress is dead, she would have taken advantage of it. How, I can't say, I was only told." Adriane replied. "Isn't that a totally plausible and un-contrived explanation?"

"Who told you not to?" Emily asked.

"My parents, aunts, uncles, all the adults in my family, they told my brother, sister and cousins the same" she said. "Mary-Sueness and poor plotting run in the family."

"You have a brother and sister!" they all said astonished.

"Yes and I never told you for the same reasons as my jewel. And none of these powerful relatives ever helped us against the Sorceress because…um…they're all dicks, I guess?" Kara, Emily, and Zach all stood there, looking stunned. It was so weird how Adriane kept it a secret from them all this time. _So weird_, almost…completely irrational and out-of-character, even.

"I've also been told to give you these" Adriane said to them while opening a package from her pocket. Inside were three jewels. One with the colors blue, gold, and green spiraled with the earth, water and light symbols on it, another that was red with the fire symbol of fire in the center (also, fire is fiery and hot and it burns), and the last was gold with the light symbol in the center.

"These are three of the nine jewels of Celenez. They are very powerful and should not be used for stupid and foolish things" she lifted the green, blue, and yellow on out and held it up to Emily's rainbow stone. In a flash of light, the jewels connected.

"This is the healer's stone, it uses the elements of earth, water, and light. It's magic will work well with your healing stone. There are a few side effects, like uncharacteristic speaking patterns and draining your personality until you're all my mindless drones. Just minor stuff." She took out the red stone and it instantly connected to Zach's dragon stone.

"Wait, what was all that you just said?" Zach asked warily.

"Eh, nothing important. This is the fire stone, it's very dangerous!" she warned. She took out the last jewel, the gold one it expanded until Kara's jewel was totally gold.

"The light jewel is a very safe jewel, thank god that Kara gets it!" Adriane joked. "Get used to being the butt of every failed joke, Barbie!"

"What are these for?" Zach asked. "The dark sorceress was really working for an evil genie, Navaka…" Adriane began. "We will need these if we ever want to destroy him—"

"Then why couldn't we use these against the Sorceress?" said Zach. "If we'd gotten rid of her earlier, we could've avoided all that death and damage and suffering and—"

"Don't interrupt my story, Zach," Adriane said, glaring. "Anyway, He is the source of that ghost, the ghost that is my great aunt, Eloise" They all gasped. "He killed her and took over her body. She blames you Kara because she was killed while she was out looking for a power crystal, and if you hadn't released the magic, it would have never happened. She destroyed the dark sorceress, but her revenge isn't complete. So I took you here, well be safe here, in the Avalon Core" she said.

"**YOU MEAN WER'RE IN AVALON!"** Kara yelled. "Adriane nodded.

"_What?_" Zach stood up and waved his arms. "That's impossible! Avalon is lost and sealed off and hasn't been seen for thousands of years. The entire freaking point of everything is to find it and you tell me that _you knew where it was the whole time?_"

"Zach…" Adriane's reproachful voice took on a strange tone as she stared into Zach's eyes. After a few moments, the boy's face went blank and he sat down on the grass, suddenly calm. Emily and Kara mirrored the same empty stare before blinking and returning to normal.

"You're right, Adriane," he said monotonously. "Everything you say makes perfect sense." Emily and Kara nodded in agreement.

"Good, so as I was saying, the Avalon Core is the only place on the magic web unaffected by the loss of the crystals. We should get to my err…. House, if that's what you'd call it, anyway."

"You live here!" Emily exclaimed.

Adriane nodded. So the four of them, and the animals made their way across the field, heading North.


	3. Magic Secrets III

"I thought you lived at Ravenswood" Kara said.

"I do" Adriane replied. "I travel by water porthole from there to here, and I must warn you my family is pretty…strange"

"How" Emily asked.

"Well, we're all Mary-Sues. Almost all of us are telekinetic. That means we can move things with our minds. Me, my cousins Jim and April, my parents, aunts, and uncles can shape shift. Our dogs, John Doberman and Celinez (the creator of these jewels) can talk. Also, we're all insufferably obnoxious."

"WOW!" Kara, Emily, and Zach exclaimed. "Do you cousins have any of these cool jewels?" Zach asked.

"Yah," Adriane said "April has the ice jewel, Jim has darkness, his sister Deirdre has Earth, Matte is only 6 and can't be bothered to spell out numbers and she has water, and my sister Opal has air. My brother is too immature to have one, but that's just what Celinez says. By the way, you can call her Saz. Don't question anything she says. Ever. It'll collapse the plot."

"A dog made these jewels!" Kara exclaimed. "Saz isn't just a dog!" Adriane said. "She knows 123 different languages!"

Kara protested: "But you just said that she was your dog—"

"Silence, wench!"

"Will we get to meet your parents?" Emily asked. "Yes, my parents and aunts, uncles and cousins!" Adriane replied.

They walked for about 30 minutes until they came upon a huge mansion. It looked like a gigantic version of a Victorian mansion, only in perfect shape. The front doors were about 5 by 8 feet in diameter, so awesome that it defied geometry, with the windows decorated with gorgeous stained glass designs in cool colors.

"Man!" Kara exclaimed. "When was this place built?"

"Sometime in the 16th century" Adriane answered.

"Wait," Emily said. "This is obviously Victorian architecture. Don't you mean the nineteenth century?"

Adriane glared deep into Emily's eyes. "No, this was built in the 1590s during the reign of Queen Victoria Tudor of England, okay?"

"Of course! I'm so dumb. You're right, Adriane," the redhead smiled vacuously.

They walked towards the house. As Adriane pushed open the doors they stepped into the biggest foyer anyone had ever seen. In the middle of the room was a fountain. Its centerpiece was a unicorn, reared up on its hind legs. Above it, hung a chandler with diamonds that reflected color from the light pouring in from about ten stained glass windows that matched the patterns on the door. Towards the back of the room was a grand staircase that led to the second floor. On the sides of the room were doors with signs above them that labeled; Bedrooms, Library (beware of ghosts), recreation, greenhouse, kitchen, and living room. Like the plot of this tale, the house was so convoluted, ridiculous, and badly-planned that it needed direction signs for those who lived in it.

Emily, Kara, and Zach were speechless. None of them had ever seen anything so amazing or tacky.

"Pretty, isn't it" Adriane said, breaking the silence with a dismissive snobbery that, bizarrely enough, her normal self would have despised. Still speechless they followed Adriane to the door that said "Library (Beware of Ghosts)".

"I don't think that we should be going in here." Zach said.

"We need to. There's a book in here that can rid us of the ghost. When we enter the library, you need to be very quiet, we can't alert the ghosts!" Adriane spoke with rather sophisticated language for a twelve-year-old Mary-Sue, almost as if she lived in sixteenth century Victorian England.

"Wait," said Kara. "You have this amazing book about banishing ghost, but your whole freaking library is infested with ghosts? That doesn't make any se—"

Kara trailed off as Adriane threw her that strange glare.

Adriane opened the door. Inside there was a sea of bookshelves. The four kids and animals made their way around the book shelves, very silently. No sooner had Adriane taken the much-needed book of its shelf, Kara stumbled, loudly and very conveniently for the following attempted action scene.

All of the sudden, the ghastly white figures, like the one a Ravenswood rose up from the floor and started to chase after them. The four of them ran to a dead end, when Adriane opened a secret passage behind a portrait and pushed them all into it. The ghost lost their trail. Scooby and the Gang would have been proud. When Zach used his new fire jewel to light up the passage they noticed that the book that Adriane has chosen was not one about banishing ghosts, it was about calling the spirits and resurrection, Yet Adriane smiled broadly.

"Adriane, this book won't banish the ghost!" Emily said.

"Forget about that!" Adriane exclaimed. "With this, we can bring Storm back to life! Let's find my parents, they can help us! You know, just like they helped us defeat the Dark Sorceress. Oh, wait…."


	4. Magic Secrets IV

**Review! Please, tell me how my beautiful and eloquent writing has changed your life. But seriously, I love me some reviews.**

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"Wow!" Kara exclaimed. "I never thought that a book would come in handy so much! Because reading is, like, hard. And stuff. Like, you have to think. I'm, like, blonde so I'm _so dumb_, you guys!"

Dreamer wagged his tail at the mention of Storm's name.

The seven of them made their way through the passageway until they came to a door. Adriane pushed it open and they stepped into a nice cozy room with a fire burning in the fireplace. In the middle of the room sat two dogs, a Labrador with silver fur and a Doberman with cyan-colored eyes. Across from the Labrador was a pretty woman with bright red hair. She wore a blue velvet coat trimmed with tan foe-fur, because as Lord PETA tells us, fur is the enemy. Everything was a color-clash nightmare.

"Adriane!" she said. "What are YOU doing back so soon, and who are they?" (Meaning Kara, Emily, and Zach, as opposed to everyone else in the universe who wasn't in the room at the moment).

"It's a long story, Aunt Geneve. We ran into Eloise at the preserve and we came here to escape. You see, Kara, the blonde one, is her 'target'."

"Ah, I see" she replied, then turned to Kara, Emily, and Zach. "Allow me to introduce myself, I'm Geneve Hall, but just call me Geneve. "I'm Adriane's aunt, her mother's sister."

Emily stepped forward. "My name's Emily Fletcher, the Healer"

"Kara Davies, the Blazing-Star" Kara said proudly. "I'm a pompous bitch. Totally."

"Zach" Zach said. "I have utterly no purpose here whatsoever."

The three turned to the two dogs, still seated.

"Oh, I'm sorry," the silver lab said. "I'm Celenez, or Saz, the keeper of the jewels. I've been completely useless and unhelpful to your mage quest to the point of cruelty. But I'm a talking dog! _Love me, damn it!_"

"John, John Doe-Berman, get it? John **DOE." **said the Doberman in a gangster accent. No one laughed. "Oh, you see me punnin', you hatin'." Again, no one laughed.

"I'm the one who keeps all the magic in The Core of Avalon in The Core of Avalon. I don't know exactly what that means and I apparently suck at it, on account of this whole missing-power-crystals thing…."

Then, a big purple water balloon dropped on Geneve's head, soaking her from head to toe. She didn't react until after the subsequent long and awkward description. They heard laughing, and a few seconds later, a boy and girl, both about ten or nine yeas old slipped from their perch in the rafters and fell down into the chair that Geneve had been sitting in, remarkably not breaking themselves or the furniture despite falling from a high ceiling. They had brown hair and their eyes strongly resembled Adriane's.

"Emily, Kara, and Zach, meet my sister Opal and my brother Corey, the twins." Adriane said.

The two kids waved sheepishly.

"Look at it this way, Aunt Geneve. Now you won't have to take a shower!" Corey said.

"Ha ha" Geneve said sarcastically.

Geneve took a towel that was ever-so-conveniently hanging around the living room and started to dry off her hair when a vaguely-described pretty woman with dark hair down to her mid-shoulder stormed into the room.

"Okay you two, this is the FIFTH time this month that you've pulled a prank! Even though I didn't see it and have no way of knowing that it happened, this time, you're grounded for-" she didn't finish her sentence and looked at Kara and Emily. "The Healer and Blazing-Star, it's about time we met."

"Oh, Mom, good timing, we need to figure out how to perform a resurrection ceremony!" Adriane said to her. "Now be a good mother and show your preteen child how to screw with the veil between life and death!"

o-o-o-o-o-o-o

**Wait—do you see that? Over there! It's….it's…the plot!**

**No, I'm not kidding: this story actually has a plot. I know, I'm surprised too.**


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